Morning bangs and morning musings
Today, for the first time in 4.5 years my youngest slept in her bed all night. Beautiful and tender, you know that duality. I guess my sleep was pretty swell as I woke up with a 90 degree morning bangs that did not settle. Love that for all of us.
Everyday life has startet up again after seven weeks of summer holiday and today I had the first morning in a long time, end of June to be precise, that felt spacious. All alone. I’ve longed for that all summer.
I made half a coffee, had some milk and oats and wanted to write on my computer, something I never do in the morning. If it’s journaling, I have notebooks for that.
And it got so corny. Haha. I wanted to express something about my warrior-like nature. An unrulyness I don’t meet in that many people. Not something heroic or stoic, like, at all!
But more how I can’t settle with settling, and have been that way, fighting for myself, for as long as I can remember. Being ‘the angry one’. Something I’ve been flustered by, ashamed of I think, felt othered by.
The fighting nature got me where I am. And where I am is what I longed for and dreamed about for years and years.
Well. My point was this. It got so corny. Comical, like I wrote a piece of satire. That felt very off with a tender topic expressed so half-assedly.
After addressing the corniness first, then getting into the meat of how I actually felt, within a line or two, the armor stood clear to me. And for the first time, the armor’s duality became clear to me.
Wearing an armor to battle makes one protected, powerful, prepared to fight. Serving it’s purpose. We all see that, I see that.
Wearing an armour when not in battle makes one rigid, hard, heavy. No longer a server of purpose but a burden. Do we all see that? I didn’t truly see that until this morning.
Like any form of journaling, it’s a very intimate setting of meeting yourself. By will or by force, mostly the latter. I love the directness of it, but it’s not cute or comfortable.
Clearly, I saw my whole life in that light.
All I wanted when I sat down this morning was to express gratitude for my unwillingness to settle.
I felt grateful for how my unruly nature had kept me going, moving, always wanting to feel better, not do better, but feel better. And how my armor has kept me through most things, old things, on my own.
Cognitively, something landed for me today.
I think now, this summer, for the first time, I can make a conscious choice and effort to put my armor down when not needed. Not to settle, not to comply for compliance’s sake - skin crawls just writing that, haha - but rigid, hard and heavy no longer serves me.
